Pleading with Mr Grissom
by Chapin CSI
Summary: What if CSI was a Reality Show? Part one deals with rumors that WP wanted to leave the show parts two and three deal with JF and GE's dismissal in Nov. 2004.
1. Pleading with Mr Grissom

Warnings:

There's some mild Catherine bashing ahead.

I recently read that William Petersen might not be playing Gil Grissom for long.  It made me sad and depressed but at least it gave me an idea for this story…

PLEADING WITH MR. GRISSOM

What if CSI were a Reality Show?

The Scene:  The CSI lab, a little before filming starts.  Gil Grissom, star of 'CSI Live' the famous Crime Show walks down the hallway to his office.  When he enters, he notices that someone is already there.  .

GRISSOM:  (frowning) Who are you?

FAN FICTION WRITER: (hurriedly)  Sorry, Mr. Grissom; I know I shouldn't have entered your office like this but I'd like to talk to you.  You see, there are some rumors about you leaving the CSI lab-

GRISSOM:  (brusquely) I'm sorry, but I can't talk about my private life.  It's an agreement; everybody knows that.

FFWRITER:  Oh, but I'm not part of the reality show crew.  I'm a fan fiction writer.

GRISSOM:  (scowling) Oh, really?  I don't want to talk to you either.  Now, if you'll excuse me…

FFWRITER:  (pleadingly) Please, Mr. Grissom, I only wanted to tell you how important it is that you continue working at CSI-

GRISSOM:  (hesitates) Well, thank you but I'm planning to work on research, which is as important as this (looks around).  It might be even better. No more make up, no more being followed up by camera men and people recording everything I say- (sighs) You know something? I agreed to do the reality show because I wanted people to take an interest in science-

FFWRITER:  (interrupting) Oh, but they have!

GRISSOM:  (continues, ignoring the interruption) but now my job has been trivialized.  Now there are too many forensic shows:  'The Singing Pathologist', 'American Coroner', 'Print Factor', 'Wheel of DNA', 'Whose Crime is it?'-

FFWRITER:  But that's exactly why you should stay!  If you leave, this show will suffer and it would be unfair, after being the pioneer!

GRISSOM:  (patiently) Don't worry, Catherine will do a good job as Supervisor.

FFWRITER:  Catherine?  But there's already so much Catherine on the show that it should be called 'Willows & Co.'! 

GRISSOM:  Oh, come on… it's not like that…

FFWRITER: No, it's worse. The camera is always on her, recording her  reactions to what people say, from all angles and always under a gauzy light to flatter her. And I suspect that the producers modify your stories to make her shine; I mean, how is it possible that she was the one to notice that you were going deaf? Why her and not Sara, who was bound to keep a close eye on you?  And even then she grabbed the attention away from you when you had your operation! 

GRISSOM: (smiles) That's precisely what I like about her. She grabs the camera and takes the attention away from me. (frowns) I thought women liked to see strong females doing an important job-

FFWRITER:  Yes, but this is an ensemble show; the other members of the crew should have their turn to shine too.  AND, according to you, the show is about the science and not about your personal lives.  If that's so, then why, oh why do we know so much about Catherine? Not that she's that intriguing! On the contrary, everything about her is a cliché:  Divorced, with a kid and a rotten ex-husband; a father revealed in a twist that surprised no one… I mean, please, what's next? Amnesia? An evil twin? A cancer scare?  Or perhaps the new boyfriend will be accused of a crime and she will have to arrest him?

GRISSOM: Hum… Well… according to you, whose life is more intriguing?

FFWRITER:  Yours, of course.  But since you're so self-effacing, what about Warrick's?  For instance, who taught him to play the piano?  A teacher? His old grandma?

GRISSOM:  (thoughtfully) I think Catherine did.

FFWRITER:  (disappointed ) Well then, how about Nick?  Has he ever tried to search for the babysitter who abused him?  She might be doing worse things by now…

GRISSOM:  Actually, Catherine is doing her own investigation behind Nicky's back and will have some results any time now.

FFWRITER: (trying to be reasonable) Ooookay.  What about Brass? (hopeful)  Is there a lady somewhere that he likes?

GRISSOM:  (smiles) Off the record?  He has a crush on Catherine.

FFWRITER:  (sighing in exasperation) Well, what about Sara and her strong reactions when there are crimes commited against women?  Is it a normal reaction or is it personal for her?

GRISSOM:  (hesitating) Well, Catherine has talked to her about it, but-

FFWRITER:  (interrupting, rolling her eyes to heaven) Oh, for God's sake, I give up!  You see how she's just everywhere? (pleadingly) Oh, Mr. Grissom, please don't leave the lab!  Can't you just stay another year at least?  Pretty please?

GRISSOM:  Look, if I leave they will bring a new scientist, younger and more appealing to the female audience-  

FFWRITER: (sarcastically) And then what, that younger character will fall in love with Catherine?

GRISSOM:  (patiently) No, he might fall in love with Sara.

FFWRITER: (scandalized) What? What?  No.  No! She belongs with you! My God, haven't four years been enough for you to understand that?

GRISSOM:  (Eyes me with a knowing smirk) Ah, so you're one of those 'shippers'?

FFWRITER:  (Challengingly) Yeah, so?

GRISSOM:  (morosely) I wish people understood that a relationship with Sara would be unethical!  You know, it's annoying how people expect us to get together! Really, fan fiction writers should get a life-

FFWRITER:  Hey, wait a minute! YOU started this, Mr. 'since-I-met-you'. I for one started watching this show solely because of the science-

GRISSOM:  (admiringly) Really? Just for the science?

FFWRITER:  (sheepishly) Ok, I also knew you from that famous documentary, "Manhunter" (sighs dreamily) I wanted to see those eyes of yours and those legs in jeans again and- (FFwriter is momentarily lost in thought until Grissom clears his throat and interrupts her reverie).  (Hurriedly) But I truly liked the science on CSI!  It wasn't until that 'since I met you' line that I started obsessing about you two!  If you hadn't said it, I'd never-

GRISSOM:  (indignantly) So now it's MY fault?  Then what about the writers who put me in romantic situations with Catherine?

FFWRITER:  Oh, I assure you I'd never pair you with her!

GRISSOM:  (mutters) Some even pair me with Nick and Greg-

FFWRITER:  (looks away, guiltily)

GRISSOM:  (does a double take) YOU're one of them?  How can you do that?  Did you know that I can't work with them without someone making kissing sounds wherever we go?

FFWRITER: (sheepishly) Sorry. And I don't pair you with Nick, only with Greg.  (pleadingly) But you've got such great chemistry with everybody, Mr. Grissom!  It's  easy to write about you and any of them, but even I know that you belong with Sara!  If you leave, what's going to happen to that relationship? And if you're not there anymore, what am I going to write about?

GRISSOM:  (looks closely) So that's what this is all about?  You need me for inspiration?

FFWRITER:  Well… Yeah.

GRISSOM:  (Hesitating between compassion and exasperation) Excuse me but, shouldn't you do better things with your time?  Like… have a life?

FFWRITER:  Oh, I have a life, it's just not as exciting as the ones I write about.

GRISSOM:  (Shakes his head) Well, then I'm sorry.  I need mine back.  

FFWRITER:  (narrows her eyes and delivers a low blow) Are you sure you aren't leaving just because the Sheriff is giving all the funding and resources to Mr. Sinise's new lab?

GRISSOM:  (patiently) That would be childish, don't you think?  (crosses his arms, as if he were ending the discussion)

FFWRITER: (feeling utterly lost) But… but … what am I going to do?

GRISSOM:  (trying to be compassionate) Well…I'm not leaving the lab yet.  We'll still have some shows next season…

FFWRITER:  (hopeful) Will you work alone again, as you did when you went to Jackpot?  Or are you going to work with Greg?  (Hurriedly) Platonically, of course. Or will you sing a little Gilbert & Sullivan again?  Will you work with the other guys so they get a little camera time?  

GRISSOM:  (gently) We'll see. 

FFWRITER:  (daring to hope) And Mr. Grissom?  Before you leave, couldn't you tell Sara that you love her?  (Hurriedly, as she notices Grissom's frown) on the phone if you like.  Or in a letter.  Or by e-mail-

GRISSOM:  (patiently) Why don't you write a story and include that e-mail yourself?  Yes, do that; you have an imagination, don't you? 

FFWRITER:  But it wouldn't be real-

GRISSOM:  So? It would be an alternate universe story! (notices that the writer is gaping at him and he shrugs sheepishly)   Yeah, I know the terminology.  I do read fan fiction.  I have to confess that some of those stories are kind of flattering. (Pats FFwriter's shoulder) So, do it: Write that I tell Sara how I feel about her; write that I'm willing to risk everything for her, that I'm a great kisser and that I can make her happy. (notices writer's reluctance) Hey, I'll help you if you want.  Close your eyes and imagine that I'm about to leave Las Vegas… I'm impatient because my flight has been delayed several times.  Suddenly, Sara is there and looks at me with a look of betrayal on her face.

She says…

(And as he spoke, the writer visualized it…)

*Sara:  Grissom?  

Grissom:  (turning) Sara! What are you doing here?

Sara:  I had to see you; I couldn't believe that you'd leave like that, without saying goodbye, like a coward.

Grissom:  Sara… I'm sorry-

(And suddenly, the writer wondered if she could take advantage of the AU possibilities… and she visualized this…)

*A train station; Grissom is dressed in a dark suit and a fedora hat, and there's a cigarette dangling from his lips.  Sara stands in front of him, dressed in a tight tailored suit and high heeled shoes, her hair swept up in a big pompadour.  It's 1940 and the scene is in black and white.)

Grissom:  (turns his back on her and speaks through clenched teeth) I can't stay, Doll Face.  I can't forget how you double-crossed me with that good-for-nothing Hank Pedigrew!

Sara: (dramatically grabbing his arm) Gil! Won't you ever forgive me?

Grissom: (He's tempted for a moment, but finally he shakes his arm free, and he says regretfully) Of all the beautiful dames in the world, I had to fall in love with you… 

(Or why not place this scene in the old West?)

*Grissom is patting the head of a beautiful white horse.  He is in full cowboy regalia, complete with white hat and shiny sheriff star.  Sara runs to him; she's wearing dirty cowgirl clothes)

Sara:  Sheriff Grissom, you can't leave Seaseye City! We need you-

Grissom:  Got to go, Calamity Sara.  My job here is over.

Sara:  But you must stay. There'll always be bad guys trying to steal my cattle! If you're not here to identify the cows' feet, who will?  Unless…(she looks suspiciously at him) You're going to join that Catherine Willows woman from Nevada, aren't you? (Grissom flushes and looks away; Sara gets mad) She conquered you with her perfumes and her tight dresses and her cleavage! You… you couldn't appreciate a real woman like me!

Grissom:  (looking back at her with eyes full of hope) You…  You love me?

Sara: (turning her back, still angry) What do you think?

(And then another scene came up to the writer's mind:  

*Grissom and Sara, both in spacesuits, standing in front of a huge spaceship)

Grissom:  Goodbye, Sara2X4.  The epidemic is contained. My job here is over and I have to return to Alpha Centaury.

Sara2X4:  (speaking in a monotone) Dr.-Grissom-my-circuits-indicate-that-you-have-feelings-for-me.  

Grissom:  (hesitates) Sara2X4, I'm sorry, but I have to leave-

Sara 2X4:  Is-it-because-I-am-an-android?

Grissom:  No… it's just that my work will always be more important.

Sara2X4:  Ouch-your-words-hurt-my-circuits.  I-will-delete-that-from-my-memory-banks. Can't-you-just-say-that-others-need-you-more?

Grissom:  Oh, all right.  Others need me more than you, Sara2X4.

Sara2X4:  I-understand. Goodbye-then-Dr.-Grissom. Live-long-and-prosper- (suddenly a drop of oil wells in her left eye)

Grissom:  (feeling a sudden tenderness for her) Sara2X4, are you… crying?

And then, full of regret, Sara (a.k.a. Doll Face, Calamity Sara or Sara2X4) turns away because she can't bear to see him go.  She covers her face with both hands and doesn't look back until she's sure that the plane, (train, horse, spaceship) is gone.  But when she turns, she realizes that he's still there…

Gil Grissom (P.I., Sheriff, or Space Investigator) comes to Sara (Doll Face, Calamity Sara, Sara2X4) and smiles, tenderly.  He caresses the young woman's cheek.

*Grissom:  Sara, you're right.  I can't leave you like this. I love you.  

*P.I. Grissom: I love you, Doll Face.

*Sheriff Grissom:  Oh, I'm crazy about you, Calamity Sara.  

*Dr. Grissom:  I'll stay, Sara2X4.  

Sara2X4:  Will-you-Dr.-Grissom?  Why?

Grissom:  Well… (smiles very tenderly) I've just realized that you make me feel human.

GRISSOM:  (impatiently) Are you listening?

FFWRITER:  (blinking)  Huh? Oh. (realizing that she's been daydreaming) Oh. Yes. I am. (smiles) You are right, Mr. Grissom.  The possibilities are endless.  I have enough stories in my mind to keep me busy for months.  Still, if you leave, the lab and the show won't ever be the same… (Sniffs a little and then tries to smile)  I can only hope that you'll be grabbing the camera's attention during those last shows… And call me crazy, but I'll still hope for a wedding

GRISSOM: (perks up) Oh, well… (lowers his voice) this is a secret, but off the record? There's going to be a wedding in November!

FFWRITER:  (wide eyed)  Really?  How…?

GRISSOM:  I think Catherine's getting serious about that guy-

FFWRITER:  Aaaarrrgh!

The End 

Ok, so it doesn't change anything… but it was very cathartic!


	2. Pleading for Sara

Of course it is a GS story. What else would it be?

I wrote this after JF and GE were fired, and I was in ranting mode. I decided to tone it down…

Brief mention of some X-Files characters.

* * *

PLACE: Grissom's living room

TIME: Early afternoon.

(Someone is pounding on the door and Grissom hurriedly puts on his robe and opens the door. Before he can say anything, the FF Writer enters his home.

GRISSOM: (glaring) You again! What do you want?"

FAN FICTION WRITER: Excuse me, Mr. Grissom, but I really need to talk to you about Sara-

GRISSOM: I'm sorry, but you'll have to talk to the network-

FF WRITER: Oh, come on, sir; I need to discuss this. Shippers are devastated-

GRISSOM: (lowering his voice) Look, can't this wait? I understand your concern; Nick Stokes and Sara Sidle got fired in the worst circumstances, but life goes on-

FF WRITER: How can you say that? You can't go on without them! This is so unfair! If it had been you, at least there'd be some closure; I mean, if you left, I'd simply stop watching the show, but if you stay, I'll have to watch, but it won't be the same-

GRISSOM: Hey, look, I'm sorry, but there's nothing I -

FF WRITER: And why did this happen to both Nick and Sara? Are you telling me that they are together now?

GRISSOM: (lowers his voice) Look, right now I can't talk about it. Could you please leave?

FF WRITER: (finally understanding) Oh. Oh, God, I'm sorry. You're not alone- (suddenly suspicious) Oh, please, don't tell me Catherine is here."

GRISSOM: Well, no, but-

FF WRITER: (relieved) Oh. Good. (happily) Is it Greg?

GRISSOM: (glaring) No!

Suddenly there's the sound of steps… bare feet on wood… And then a brunette woman enters the living room. She's stretching; she lifts her arms to the ceiling, which puts her face in shadows. It's difficult to tell who she is, but it's obvious she's not a casual visitor. She's wearing one of Grissom's roomy (very roomy) shirts… and that's all she's wearing. She says in a throaty voice, "Gil, who was it?"

When she lowers her arms, she realizes they're not alone and the FF writer grins stupidly.

FF WRITER: Well, well, Ms. Sidle. So this is where you've been hiding.

SARA: (to Grissom) Who's she?

GRISSOM: (speaking as if he were showing some specimen) This is a fan fiction writer.

SARA: (curiously) Oh. I'd never seen one in the flesh.

GRISSOM: She's also a shipper.

SARA: (unconcerned) Oh, hi. Wait. (Suspiciously) Wait a minute…(Are you a GS or a GC shipper?

FF WRITER: Oh, I'm a GS shipper.

SARA: (relieved) Good.

FF WRITER: What happened, Ms. Sidle? Everybody's speculating about this exit of yours! Were you really fired? Or is this some sort of trick to call for the public's attention? (narrowing her eyes) You're not trying to pull off a Duchovny, are you?"

SARA: (blankly) A what?

FF WRITER: A Duchovny! You know, that's when someone leaves a show in order to make movies, even though the only crap they come up with is 'Evolution'; meanwhile they bring a replacement that you hate at first but who grows on you so much that by the time the original character returns, you hate him because you realize he was just a whiny, rambling guy who knew what the truth was just because he was the star, not because there was any logic to it, while the new guy genuinely cares about Scully and is more real because he only believes in the 'evidence', and –

SARA: (Spooked by the babbling, she whispers to Grissom) I'll call Brass!

GRISSOM: Nah, don't bother. She's harmless. She just doesn't have a life.

SARA: (to Grissom) Oh, the poor woman. (To the intruder) Hey…would you like some tea?

FF WRITER: (calming down) No. No, I'm ok. So… so you're here… how…?

SARA: (eyeing Grissom with deep devotion) Well, now that we don't work together, we are free _to be_ together.

GRISSOM: No more ethical questions-

FF WRITER: Oh. (Torn between joy and disappointment) So… you're together…

GRISSOM: Isn't that what you wanted?

FF WRITER: Well… yeah… but not like this… I mean, we like to speculate about you two getting together…we all want to write the ultimate 'first time' story. And now, all of a sudden, there's no need to write it anymore because you two are together. Does this mean you're not going back to CSI?

SARA: (scoffing) Hell, no. I have a new job now. I'll work for the FBI branch in Las Vegas, (glances meaningfully at Grissom) as a supervisor.

FF WRITER: But… but… what about the show?

GRISSOM: Well, I'll keep my job for another year, and then I'll quit.

SARA: (smiling) We'll do Independent investigations in Sundance.

FF WRITER: But… but… what about us, the fans?

GRISSOM: Oh, don't worry; Catherine will always do a good job

FF WRITER: (mutters to herself) Aaaargh, my worst nightmare's coming true!

SARA: Look, I'm sorry. I really am. I mean, I didn't want to quit like this, believe me-

GRISSOM: But she was pissed-

SARA: Oh, yeah, I was. I mean, the Mayor would rather pay millions to that clown, 'Romanozzo' than give us a raise. But what really made me angry was the fact that he hired those guys from New York with better pay than us after all we've done. I mean what did he expect us to do?

GRISSOM: Exactly what you did. I told to wait, remember? I knew he was setting up a trap to get rid of you.

SARA: Yeah. According to the Mayor, I'm not attractive enough. Now he'll hire a looker-

GRISSOM: (protests) Hey, you ARE a looker!

SARA: (smiles toothily) Thanks. (to FF WRITER) Anyway, as you can see, we're picking up the pieces-

GRISSOM: -together. (Eyes Sara tenderly).

FF WRITER: …but…but…(very sadly) I won't see you two every Thursday…I mean, you helped me get over the Scully-Mulder fiasco, you don't forget something like that. And now… now it's over…

SARA: Well, maybe this is your chance to become a somebody-else-shipper.

FF WRITER: (muttering to herself)… sure, there'll always be Gil & Greg stories, but-

GRISSOM: (glares) Hey, I heard that!

FF WRITER: (not paying attention to them anymore) Still, what the hell am I going to do, now? Watch things like The OC? I hate soaps! Or watch the other CSI shows? (hesitates) Sure, Caruso's always great to laugh at… but no way am I watching CSI NY…I hate that Providence woman… and that guy Sinise is so creepy-

(As the FF WRITER rants, Grissom and Sara simply smile and reach for each other. They are so giddy with the knowledge that they are finally together, they don't care that the intruder's still there. Grissom slowly draws her close and then they slowly walk down the hallway, to his bedroom- their bedroom, that is.

FF WRITER: (still mumbling) Oh, damn, this is what I get for being loyal! I mean, I still miss 'The Sentinel', for God's sake!

GRISSOM: (from inside) Just continue writing your damn stories! Forget Sara won't be back on the show! Simply assume that Bloodlines was the series finale!

FF WRITER: (blinking) Hum? Whoa… whoa… that's not a bad idea…

GRISSOM: And close the door on your way out!!

THE END

There, I'm feeling better already.


	3. Pleading for Nick

Just a short piece.

Beware: light CSI bashing. I wrote this after JF and GE were fired and I was in a ranting mode. I toned it down.

* * *

(It's a quiet neighborhood. The houses are not exactly opulent, but they are well tended.

It's barely four O'clock in the morning and there's nobody outside… except for one person walking down the street.)

FFWriter: (eagerly looking at each house, hoping to find the address on time) "Damn, damn, I've only got half an hour-"

(She thinks she's located the house she's looking for and approaches it. There's a van parked in front of 'her' house and she hears voices coming out.)

Male voice: "…or we could pour some fake saliva in her juice. She drinks it straight from the carton, you know."

Female voice: (chuckling uneasily) "Oh, you're so evil, Danny!"

Male voice: "It would teach her a lesson-"

Female voice: (yawns) "What time is it?"

Male voice: "Huum… four-fifteen." (Yawns) "I don't appreciate this, you know. I'm a senior writer. I shouldn't have to do this."

Female voice: "Think of it as a way of securing your job for a couple of years. If Stokes gets to his meeting on time, people will assume he'll be on time on the job too."

(The FF writer hopes that these people are part of the team that produces CSI and taps on their window)

FF writer: "Hey, you in there. May I talk to you?"

Female voice: (scared) "Sheeeet! Who the hell are you?"

Male voice: (aggressively) "Hey, you out there, get your hands off the car!"

F.F.WRITER (lifting her hands, so they see she's unarmed) "Whoa, relax, I'm here to help!"

(The window is lowered and the FF writer sees a man and a woman sitting at the front. Both have pots and pans on their laps, and they are clutching wooden spoons in their hands. Now, this is weird, isn't it?)

MAN: (practicing the dialogue he wrote for Brass) "Who are you? And you better start talking, lady-"

F.F.WRITER (quickly) "I'm here to help Nick Stokes keep his appointment with the sheriff."

WOMAN: (skeptically) "Really? And how are you gonna accomplish that?"

F.F.WRITER "I'll wake him up at four-forty five by knocking on his door."

MAN: "Ha! If you can wake him up just by knocking on his door, you'll have my undying respect. You will accomplish what no alarm clock has. He's a heavy sleeper, you know." (sarcastically) "That is, if you believe his story, wink, wink."

F.F. WRITER: "Well, I believe it. And I'll do my best." (Looks curiously at them) "What about you? What are those pots and pans for?"

WOMAN: (lifting her wooden spoons and mimicking a drum roll on the nearest pot) "Well, how do you suppose we're going to wake him up?"

FF. WRITER: "Oh, wow, I can't believe it! You're planning to spook the poor guy with all that noise?"

MAN: "Hey, we've got to make sure he gets his job back! I'm sure the fans will appreciate it!"

F.F. WRITER: "Oh. As long as it's not a practical joke or something like that. Because I heard something about fake saliva…Is that some practical joke you're going to play on Sara?"

MAN: "It's either the fake saliva or the sheets from the motel" (To WOMAN) "You know what sheets I'm talking about-"

WOMAN: "The ones with the dried stuff-? Oh, yuck, Danny, don't do that!"

F.F. WRITER: "But I thought she wasn't coming back. Didn't she get a job at the FBI?"

MAN: "Are you kidding? What was the FBI going to do with a professional and focused girl like her? The bosses thought she was angling for their jobs, and her colleagues just didn't like her 'I-have-no-time-for-gossip' style. They ganged up on her and fired her."

F.F. WRITER: "Oh, poor girl!"

WOMAN: "Nah, she's happy to be back at CSI. Happy and lucky; she's got her job back while Nick's is still on the balance. Which reminds me-"

MAN: (rolling eyes) "Oh, don't start-"

WOMAN: "Hey, it is suspicious, that's all I'm saying!"

F.F.WRITER: (curious) "What is it?"

MAN: "She thinks that Sara convinced Nick to quit along with her, just to get back at him for the whole 'promotion' thing."

F.F. WRITER: "Oh, come on, that's preposterous!"

WOMAN: "Is it? Who's still sweating bullets over his job? Not her." (Looks at MAN) "And don't pretend you're defending her. You're the one plotting all these revenge practical jokes!"

MAN: "Hey, that's a different issue! I am pissed off at them, I just don't believe in conspiracy theories-"

F.F. WRITER: "But if they are back at work, why are you pissed off?"

MAN: "Because they've done a lot of damage to the show. In the first place, we've been out of work for a week-"

F.F. WRITER: "So? It's only a week-"

MAN: (mockingly) " 'only a week' you say? Well, in only a week, Grissom got back all the weight he lost during the summer! He was so worried –and pissed off- about this whole situation, that he just went overboard. It was ugly, I can tell you: fried banana and red ant sandwiches, chocolate covered crickets, syrupy larvae- (shakes his head)

WOMAN: "He's afraid that working conditions and friendships are irreparably damaged. Besides, the Mayor is so happy with the success of the other CSI labs that he won't mind if the public abandons CSI in favor of the creepy Trump. Grissom knows that if we lose the public's interest the Major will simply close the lab and save money."

MAN: "Poor Grissom. After all his hard work on the show… AND all his work at the Gym-" (glares at the FF Writer) "So, you see, a lot of things can happen in a week. For instance, Catherine won the weight lifting competition and we missed the chance to film it!"

F.F. WRITER: "Catherine? _Catherine _and not Warrick?"

MAN: "Oh. Er…I didn't tell Warrick about the competition. I assumed that, as always, it should be Catherine under the spotlight. But, hey, she came through!"

WOMAN: "Besides, Warrick was busy taking macramé lessons to curve his gambling cravings… Poor guy couldn't take the idleness."

MAN: "He couldn't take all the questions about how much money he makes and why he hasn't supported Nick and Sara."

WOMAN: "Others simply assume he was getting so much money he didn't need a raise. Now the public thinks they are ALL getting huge amounts of money-"

MAN: "And we all know that the public hates money grabbing divas."

F.F. WRITER: (skeptically) "So, why do they flock to watch Trump?"

MAN: "Oh, well, that's different. The public loves the mean 'you're-fired-you-can't sing' attitude of Trump and that guy from American Idol."

WOMAN: "I keep asking Grissom to do that on the show; it's a pity that integrity is so important to him. But if he listened to me, ratings would go through the roof! Can you imagine him telling a suspect," (in a British accent) " 'You were unbelievably inept. Your attempt at hiding the evidence was atrocious, simply atrocious.' "

MAN: "Or 'Hodges, you're fired.'"

F.F. WRITER: (laughing hard just to ingratiate herself to these two) "Ha, ha. Or he could say, 'Catherine, that outfit makes you look like a cheap singer in a second rate cabaret!' He, he, he."

(Both MAN and WOMAN look at her with a stony silence)

F.F. WRITER: (apologetically) "Hey, I know my British accent is bad, but-"

MAN: (coldly) "Look, Catherine's our friend and we don't tolerate any bashing-"

WOMAN: (quickly, before MAN turns violent) "And it was Nick and Sara we were discussing. Bottom line is, the public hates it when TV people ask for raises-"

F.F. WRITER: "Oh, but they are always forgiven in the end, don't they? I mean, look at the guys from Friends"

MAN: "Oh, but they did all the right moves. They used every cliché in the book and the public loved them for it. I mean, all that 'Ross or Joey', 'Ross or Joey' dilemma was stupid but not only did it fill hours of broadcast, people loved it."

WOMAN: "To say nothing of that 'who's the baby's father?' story line and the birth itself. The public loves to see birth scenes; they crave all that mushy stuff that just doesn't exist in our show."

F.F. WRITER: (eyes shining as she dreams of Grissom and Sara holding a baby after a full hour of clichés) "Well, there you go. Talk to the cast. Maybe they'll do it for the show-"

MAN and WOMAN, (looking at each other): "Oh, boy, do you think she-? Oh, that would be so cool!"

MAN: "We could get the guys from wardrobe to come up with great outfits…We could build a whole show around the choosing of the name-"

WOMAN: (nodding happily) "The baby's and the father's! Oh, the public will love it, love it, love it!!"

MAN: (eyes shining) "Catherine will look soooo beautiful-"

F.F. WRITER: (Screams) "Aaaargh! CATHERINE? Why her? Why is it always her? Damn, damn!"

MAN: (mystified) "Who did you think we were talking about?"

F.F. WRITER: "Sara! Duh! She has the right age at least! And she and Grissom might get together-"

WOMAN: "Whoa, she and Grissom? Oh, no. Believe me, people wouldn't like that."

F.F. WRITER: "What are you talking about? They love that couple."

WOMAN: "Sure, as long as they keep it out of the bedroom. It's the Scully-Mulder-pure-love syndrome."

Before the F.F. WRITER can plead her cause, someone approaches them.

GREG: (cautiously) "Hum, excuse me?" (Recognizes MAN and WOMAN in the car) "Guys? What are you doing here?"

MAN: "Oh, hi, Sanders. What are _you_ doing here?"

GREG: "What do you mean? I live here."

MAN: "What? YOU live here? But isn't this Nick's home?"

GREG: "It was, but he sold it to me last April. He said he'd be able to afford something bigger by July-"

MAN, WOMAN and FF WRITER (realizing that something awful has just happened): "Uh, Oh."

Note: (Relax. Nick woke up on time thanks to the Mariachi Band that a thoughtful Catherine sent to his new home to serenade him.

Yeah. Catherine. Damn! Why is it always her????)

THE END.


End file.
